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A blonde goes into a pizza parlor and orders a pizza. Guy behind the counter asks if she'd like it cut into 6 or 8 pieces. She says 6 as she'd never be able to eat 8.
 

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Crow Study in Boston Ma.

They found about 200 dead crows near Boston on Rt 95
last fall, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

They hired a Bird Pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows, and he
confirmed the test results showed it was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to
everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with
trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The city then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine why
there was a disproportionate percentage for truck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.

He concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out
Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His study results and conclusion was that the lookout crow warned the
other crows by saying "Cah", but the crow could not say "Truck".

:)
 

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More Giggles.

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
 

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Discussion Starter #25
:laugh::laugh: Like the crow joke Jack, as a retired truckie (trucker to you blokes) and a hater of crows, that's good.
And I wont show almans joke to my wife, I'd get embarrassed sitting on the porch with only a shirt on. :thumbsup:
 

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GENIUS STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
Someone surely has a sense of humor!!! I loved this. We all need a good laugh!
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

(I would have given him 100%)
Q1.In which battle did Napoleon die?

* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

*lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?

*the other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

*it will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?

*no problem, he sleeps at night
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

*you will never find an elephant that has only one hand.....
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?

*very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*no time at all, the wall is already built
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

*any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack
Finally, someone with common sense to prove that common sense is not dead.


Q13.

The teacher, during an English lesson, asked the students: "Now tell me. What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Students answer: "A teacher."

Q14.

If johnny jumped off the bridge you would too?
A: depends on the size of the dog chasing us
 

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A tribute to 50 years of marriage

An elderly couple were sitting on their patio, each enjoying a glass of wine and watching the marvel of nature as the sun was setting. The woman said, " I love you so much I don't know how I could have lived without you these past 50 years."
Her husband turned to her and asked, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replied; "it's me ......talking to the wine."



;)
 

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Discussion Starter #31
I was in a pub the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh , talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish , so I approached and asked , "Hello , are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them screeched , "It's WALES , you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied ,

"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And...that's the last thing I remember....
 

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Discussion Starter #32
IMPORTANT WARNING ABOUT EBAY -

DON'T BE THE NEXT TO GET SCAMMED!



If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.



Be careful what you purchase on eBay.



A friend has just spent $200 on a penis enlarger.

The [email protected] sent him a magnifying glass.



The only instructions said,

"Do not use in sunlight."
 

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Discussion Starter #33
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd, and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
:eek:
 

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A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd, and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
:eek:


Try this one !

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose
lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born
in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy .

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their
senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood
early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all
respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal
was swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present
Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In
less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and
the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that
Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated,because even with
all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private
session with them in which he candidly asked:"Why Timothy ?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and
rose to reply.

"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the
thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called, ...

POPE SE-COLA!

:laugh:
 

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Providence RI has a strong Italian community, none stronger than those on Federal Hill. One night a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the ancient fire engine #1 from the nearby Italian Volunteers.

This fire department is composed mainly of retired Italian firefighters most well over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down ancient fire engine, operated by these elderly Italian firefighters, passed all the new high tech fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on dat truck!!'

A couple of words deleted to maintain a G rating.:)
 

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Try this one !

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose
lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born
in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy .

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their
senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood
early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all
respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal
was swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present
Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In
less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and
the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that
Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated,because even with
all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private
session with them in which he candidly asked:"Why Timothy ?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and
rose to reply.

"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the
thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called, ...

POPE SE-COLA!

:laugh:



O M G ! The Pope announced his pending resignation today !

I would apply for the job , but I'm afraid the commute would kill me ! :laugh:
 

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The Pope Resigns (and on that bombshell, here are a few jokes!)

If all of humanity was personified in automobiles like in the movies "Cars" and "Cars 2," the only line that comes to mindis from Mater (the tow truck voiced by Larry the Cable Guy):

"Is the 'Popemobile' Catholic?" - :laugh:

Jimmy Kimmel made these last night:

"Nice going Twitter! You broke the Pope!"

"The Pope gave Jesus his two weeks notice, and he's outta there!" (The Pope is actually leaving office in two weeks!)

I saw on "KOMO 4 news" this morning, that lightening hit the Vatican's dome top a few hours after the announcement! What that means I'll leave for the individual to translate for themselves ("poy poy" I go, in fear out of reverence, to the Almighty's plan and commentary. His mighty hand is at work all around us. A fear out of reverence is the beginning of knowledge.).


And here's my advice to the out-going Pontive:

God's Speed Pope Benidict, and if you need a hobby, consider model railroading! Many people of faith have taken this hobby up over the years. - :)
 
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