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1,177 Posts
I overheard this gem at a sales meeting this week:

"… and his most pressing engagement is defecation."

1,796 Posts
A little kitty cat walks down the street meowing "All I want for Christmas is 6 little kittens, 6 little kittens..." and an old tomcat comes trotting down after her meowing "Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus...".

2,095 Posts
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event.
The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now.
No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,
"Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"


1,796 Posts
Little Johnny has a problem using curse words in school. The school and his parents agree if he can stop cursing he can avoid suspension. Everything is going great until he is very late one day and is asked for an explanation. He says on his way to school he saw a car hit a bicycle rider "right in the a$$!"

"Rectum Johnny, rectum Johnny" says the teacher.
"Wrecked him, it damn near killed him" says Johnny.:eek:

2,578 Posts
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up
playing with them.

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

2,578 Posts
The article says the explosion was caused by Tannerite. Tannerite does not go of by itself, it requires the impact from a high velocity bullet to set it off.

Might be interesting to here the whole story on how it happened.

1,781 Posts
Subject: Fw: Aging

An elderly gentleman...
had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple
had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged, however, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he, reluctantly, let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties
are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen
said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Do I know her?'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys
are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbor,
'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

Maurice , an 82 year-old man,
went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said,
'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Maurice replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

And One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool …After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

5,253 Posts
Speaking of old men. A cop is driving down a street and sees an old man sitting on the curb with his head in his hands. Cop pulls over and walks up to the old man. He is crying
like crazy.
Cop - Are you homeless sir?
Old man - Oh no, I have a very nice 10,000 square foot home.
Cop - Do you have no transportation?
Old man - Oh no, I have a brand new Grand Sport vette in the garage.
Cop - Are you lonely?
Old man - Oh no, I have a very hot 27 year old wife at home.
Cop - then what in the heck are you crying about?
Old man - I can't remember where my house is.
1361 - 1380 of 2833 Posts